Dear Book Buyer:

Sorry, we can't hire you at the book store. Bringing up necrophilia & bestiality during a group job interview is a bit of a deal-breaker.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes, the basement is downstairs. Do you come from a topsy-turvy land where everything is upside down and inside out?

Dear Book Buyer:

I know Christmas is a time of giving, but just leaving your used adult diaper out on the bathroom counter isn't that great of a gift.

Dear Book Buyer:

Jesus is a busy guy. Don't thank him out loud for helping you find the coffee shop, & don't ask for his guidance to locate the magazines.

Dear Book Buyer:

Usually when people call the book store, they want to know store hours, and not the correct spelling of "conundrum."

Dear Book Buyer:

Just because the author's last name is Gladwell doesn't mean his work is in the self-help section.

Dear Book Buyer:

FYI: doctors & firefighters have emergencies. Sorry you're in a rush, but a 9-to-5 office job lunch break about to expire is not an emergency. 

Dear Book Buyer:

You're doing research & want a concise but in-depth book on all important events post-Napoleon. I don't get paid research assistant rates.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we don't take American money. We're not in America. No, we don't take Euros. Euros are for EUROPE. Do you know what continent you're on?

Dear Book Buyer:

You want a book on Brazil, but you don't know the title/author, Brazil might not be in the title, & it came out in either '08, '09, or '10. Sigh.

Dear Book Buyer:

Maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy, but it just seems downright unwholesome to come into a bookstore and spend hours reading Magic Eye books.

Dear Book Buyer:

Lord of the Flies was not originally written in French & then translated into English. Why must you turn my bookstore into a house of lies?

Dear Book Buyer:

Perhaps it's odd that we sell electronic BBQ forks. However, it's even more bizarre that you're trying to shove one up your friend's ass.

Dear Book Buyer:

You're not signing a mortgage or choosing a new heart. It's a fucking dictionary, so pick one, and give me the last 25 minutes of my life back.

Dear Book Buer:

You did NOT just ask me for a copy of The Sale of Two Titties. Is this real life?

Dear Book Buyer:

Gee whiz Conspiracy Lady, perhaps you're right! Maybe all of the books in the store were written by one person. Or, maybe not.

Dear Book Buyer:

I can assure you, the Moleskine® notebooks are not made from moles.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for explaining to me at length about how the germinal stages of wheat represent our relationship with Jesus.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you sir for sporting what is by far the most epic mooseknukle I have ever seen. That's the Stonehenge of mooseknukle.

Dear Book Buyer:

Fear not sir, men are still writing. It's not all "bloody women and their weepy crap." But, you should totally pick up the SCUM Manifesto.