Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you sir, for assuming that I'd know your wife wouldn't want a sports book because she's a woman. Yer a rrrreal charmer.

Dear Book Buyer:

I know what a laugh track is, but thanks for the condescending explanation. The answer is still no, we don't have a laugh track CD.

Dear Foot Fetishist:

You never buy any books. You just ogle lady-feet, get all sweaty and red-faced, while pretending to read whatever book is in reach. You do this multiple times a week, and you've been acting like an all-around sketchbag for years. Please, get a new fetish that doesn't require you to leave the comfort of your own home. Or at least get a hobby. Macramé perhaps? Friendship bracelets? Anything!

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry our nursing books are "too precise." I thought the medical establishment was pretty keen on precision.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes, I'll help you find the photography magazine you're looking for, but "it has a lot of pictures in it" isn't really helping to narrow things down.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I was not aware of the conspiracy about how the theory segment of the driver's test favours people with landed immigrant status, and fails citizens. May I please have the last ten minutes of my life back?

Dear Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd (Part 2)

Now that I've demonstrated that you can figure out a sci-fi/fantasy novel's sequence if it's part of a series by simply turning to the listing on the 2nd page of the book, I'm sorry that this flipping of two pages constitutes "too much work" for you. You're right, I'll get on that contacting-every-publisher-project you suggested. Much easier in the long run.  

Dear Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd (Part 1)

No, Mr. Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd, I don't have the power to contact all of the different science fiction/fantasy publishers and convince them all to print the according tome/series on the cover of each book. 

Dear Book Buyer:

Sir, if you're so blasted that you have to lean against a display table in order to defecate and urinate in your pants, perhaps you should have called it an evening and gone home?

Dear book buyer:

The difference between a hardcover and a softcover is that one has a hard cover, and one has a... you guessed it, soft cover.

Dear Book Buyer:

Your painfully vague descriptions aren't helping me remember the book that you think was on the shelf about five years ago

Dear Book Buyer

Yes, I know who John Lennon is. Yes, I know what a bed-in for peace is. No, we're not going to install beds in the bookstore.