Dear Book Buyer:

The next time you're looking for a book on shih tzus, I would have a much easier time helping you if:

A) you knew how to pronounce the name of the dog breed,

B) you didn't have the information written on a ratty piece of dirty paper,

C) you could actually write the word 'shih tzus' on the piece of paper, instead of scribbling some gibberish six-letter word that starts with an E and contains no other vowels,

D) you weren't drunk.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please trust me on this one, Maya Angelou did not write Anna Karenina.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we don't have a biography of Led Zeppelin, the person. Even though you swear your friend has one, Led Zeppelin is a band.

Dear Book Buyer:

Hunter S. Thompson does not have a book called "Image Not Found." Our database is just missing an image of the book cover.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for the suggestion, I'll send it on to parliament. However, I think the government has more important things to do than set up a law that requires the softcover edition of a book be printed in tandem with the hardcover.

Dear Book Buyer:

I like that you preface our $US/CAN book price debate with a "I know it's not your fault, but..."  However, you're still kinda acting as though I control the publishing industry, in addition to the economy. I can assure you, I do not control the economy.

Dear Book Buyer:

I don't care whether Brad Pitt is a cat or a snake, you're not getting a refund because you lost a thousand-dollar bet about Pitt's Chinese astrological sign and claim the horoscope book you bought from us is wrong.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for letting me know that your aspiration in life is to grow up and be like Kim Kardashian. My brain hurts now.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for letting me know that the changes we made in the store are "bloody stupid." However, I don't usually take aesthetic advice from people whose lipstick looks like it was applied by Jackson Pollock.