Dear Parade Reveler:

A few pools of vomit + one syringe + one used condom = just another St. Patty's Day in the bookstore bathroom. 

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry I can't really help you find what you're looking for in the New Age department, it's a section I generally try to avoid. Also, thanks for explaining at length about how you're trying to make your plants grow with the help of angels, but I have never seen a book specifically on angels with green thumbs.

Also, when I suggested you venture to a certain specialty New Age bookstore, I was attempting to help you out and/or put an end to our conversation. I didn't need to hear your input that the store I recommended is all about black magic, revenge, and books on how to kill plants with the assistance of angels.

Dear Book Buyer:

Our literacy program that puts books into the hands of elementary school children does not "help the animals." Animals don't read books.

Dear Book Buyer:

You're looking for a book called Who Melted My Butter? Is it possible you're confused, and you're actually looking for the classic leadership manual Who Moved My Cheese? Yes, I am now able to translate imagined book titles into actual book titles. This often involves exchanging verbs and dairy products.

Dear Book Buyer:

The truth is out there, and the truth is that your aluminum foil hat is SO 1997.

Dear Book Buyer:

Sir, please don't soil the Jenna Jameson autobiography with your bodily fluids.