Dear Book Buyer:

FYI: doctors & firefighters have emergencies. Sorry you're in a rush, but a 9-to-5 office job lunch break about to expire is not an emergency. 

Dear Book Buyer:

You're doing research & want a concise but in-depth book on all important events post-Napoleon. I don't get paid research assistant rates.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we don't take American money. We're not in America. No, we don't take Euros. Euros are for EUROPE. Do you know what continent you're on?

Dear Book Buyer:

You want a book on Brazil, but you don't know the title/author, Brazil might not be in the title, & it came out in either '08, '09, or '10. Sigh.

Dear Book Buyer:

Maybe I'm an old fuddy duddy, but it just seems downright unwholesome to come into a bookstore and spend hours reading Magic Eye books.

Dear Book Buyer:

Lord of the Flies was not originally written in French & then translated into English. Why must you turn my bookstore into a house of lies?

Dear Book Buyer:

Perhaps it's odd that we sell electronic BBQ forks. However, it's even more bizarre that you're trying to shove one up your friend's ass.

Dear Book Buyer:

You're not signing a mortgage or choosing a new heart. It's a fucking dictionary, so pick one, and give me the last 25 minutes of my life back.

Dear Book Buer:

You did NOT just ask me for a copy of The Sale of Two Titties. Is this real life?

Dear Book Buyer:

Gee whiz Conspiracy Lady, perhaps you're right! Maybe all of the books in the store were written by one person. Or, maybe not.

Dear Book Buyer:

I can assure you, the Moleskine® notebooks are not made from moles.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for explaining to me at length about how the germinal stages of wheat represent our relationship with Jesus.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you sir for sporting what is by far the most epic mooseknukle I have ever seen. That's the Stonehenge of mooseknukle.

Dear Book Buyer:

Fear not sir, men are still writing. It's not all "bloody women and their weepy crap." But, you should totally pick up the SCUM Manifesto.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you think The Tiger "looks like fiction," but I'm telling you it isn't. I understand the difference between reality & make-believe.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sad to hear that your motto in life is: "If it ain't a magazine, I don't read it."

Dear Book Buyer:

I know the genre of "classics" is a bit vast, but I can assure you that Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is not one of them.

Dear Book Buyer:

How many bloody Sarah McLachlan songs must I endure during one single shift?

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you're angry that we don't sell telescopes, even though we sell books about telescopes. However, by that logic, we'd also have to sell WWII spitfires, tigers, and Ricky Martin.

Dear Book Buyer:

I can't believe I even have to explain myself, but no, we do not carry a Kama Sutra for dogs.

Dear Book Buyer:

If you're going to choose the urinal right next to mine, please refrain from singing "Jesus is my saviour" in a very troll-esque voice.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please trust me on this one, there was no famous Canadian art collective called The Lucky Seven.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes, I work here. That's why I'm wearing a name tag and a vest bearing the name of the bookstore.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I do not have any art books about a painter named Mural. I do however have art books on murals.

Dear Book Buyer:

Cute guy walks into the bookstore: mild curiosity.

Cute guy asks where the Cultural Studies section is: arousal increasing.

Cute guy asks for Neil Strauss' The Game: boner kill.

Cute guy actually shells out cash for this "book": priceless.

Dear Book Buyer:

You'd think that someone looking for a self-help-Oprah-new-age book would be a bit more pleasant. Sorry I asked you to repeat the author's name. I simply misheard you, so I don't know why you're acting like I defecated on your pillow.

Dear White Girl:

Thanks for demonstrating your fake Indian accent. Your cultural witticisms are astoundingly insightful.

Dear Parade Reveler:

A few pools of vomit + one syringe + one used condom = just another St. Patty's Day in the bookstore bathroom. 

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry I can't really help you find what you're looking for in the New Age department, it's a section I generally try to avoid. Also, thanks for explaining at length about how you're trying to make your plants grow with the help of angels, but I have never seen a book specifically on angels with green thumbs.

Also, when I suggested you venture to a certain specialty New Age bookstore, I was attempting to help you out and/or put an end to our conversation. I didn't need to hear your input that the store I recommended is all about black magic, revenge, and books on how to kill plants with the assistance of angels.

Dear Book Buyer:

Our literacy program that puts books into the hands of elementary school children does not "help the animals." Animals don't read books.

Dear Book Buyer:

You're looking for a book called Who Melted My Butter? Is it possible you're confused, and you're actually looking for the classic leadership manual Who Moved My Cheese? Yes, I am now able to translate imagined book titles into actual book titles. This often involves exchanging verbs and dairy products.

Dear Book Buyer:

The truth is out there, and the truth is that your aluminum foil hat is SO 1997.

Dear Book Buyer:

Sir, please don't soil the Jenna Jameson autobiography with your bodily fluids.

Dear Book Buyer:

Well, we don't carry books by penguins, but we do have books from Penguin Publishing.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, works similar to Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass will not be located in the gardening section.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please don't try and convince me that Tolstoy has a book called Peace & Love from Russia.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for pointing out the difference in price between the Canadian dollar and the American dollar. Also, thank you for explaining to me that our dollar is nearly on par with its American counterpart. However, please try to wrap your head around the fact that at the end of my shift, I actually leave the bookstore and venture out into this crazy land we call Earth. Once I'm outside in the world, there is a fair chance I'll either read a newspaper or magazine, watch television, or surf the web, ie: I have a working knowledge of the economy's existence, and you're not the first dipshit who has tried to explain it to me. Also, I work in a bookstore, not a cave on Mars. Also, your mustache is perverted.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, the sign that reads "30% off Dummies Books" does not mean that all of our books are on sale. It means that the "Dummies" books are 30% off. Mercy, this one is just too easy...

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I'm fairly certain that Nina Simone wasn't a man.

Dear Book Buyer:

You want a specific poetry collection & the only info you have is that the poems are sentimental. Please be more vague.

Dear Book Buyer:

The elevator is not a bathroom.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I will not read you a pancake recipe over the phone so that you can make breakfast on this fine Saturday morning.

Dear Book Buyer:

Just because you walk around telling everyone you're a dentist doesn't mean I believe you. No, you can't examine my teeth.

Dear Book Buyer:

Sir, I know the buxom ladies on the fantasy novels are titillating, but please don't motorboat your girlfriend in the SciFi section.

Dear Book Buyer:

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "it's got a blue cover" is not helpful info when you're looking for a book.

Dear Book Licker:

Sir, please don't lick the books.

Dear Sourpuss:

A couple of things...

-When I say "Hello" to you, saying "What did you do with the military history section?" with an expressionless face does not constitute a return "Hello."

-The section moved nearly three months ago. You're in the store ALL THE TIME. You know where the bloody section is.

-Don't act as though I was the one who personally moved the section just to spite you, because I didn't. Or did I? No, I didn't...  Or did I?

-Don't be offended that the section moved. After all, we are a bookstore, and not your personal living room.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for tipping me off that unicorns are the reincarnation of Christ.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please don't answer our phones and tell potential customers that certain sections of our store have burned down.

Dear Book Buyer:

This book is out of print, so I can't get it for you. Protesting/complaining "but I'm a good customer!" does not remedy the fact that the book is out of print. Don't pout and act as though the printing presses came to a grinding halt just to spite you. The reality of the situation is, this book is out of print.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I will not give you an analysis of that book's genre so that you can help your son with his Grade 7 book report.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I do not have change for your $10 bill. I am a book seller, not a banker.

Dear Book Buyer:

Travel guides for Atlanta? Yes. Travel guides for Atlantis? No.

Dear Book Buyer:

Well, first we classify the books according to subject. Then, within each subject, the books are arranged alphabetically according to the author's last name. So to answer your question, no, we do not shelve the books in numerical order according to the book's ISBN number.

Dear Book Buyer:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Anne Frank did not write her diary after she "got away."

Dear Book Buyer:

Talking at me and enumerating the many, many ways that Europe is better than North America is not really giving me any incentive to help you find a book on improving enunciation for opera arias.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you "don't understand" why the book you wanted is no longer in stock. So let's start putting the clues together... You say you checked for the book a week ago, and at that point, there was just one copy left in store. Now, a week later, that single copy has vanished.

I can tell you're at a loss, as this does feel like one of the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries. However, from all my years as a top-notch book sleuth, I have a wacky theory as to why that one single copy that was in store a week ago is no longer here: someone else bought it. I know, I'm SO Nancy Drew.