Dear Sourpuss:

A couple of things...

-When I say "Hello" to you, saying "What did you do with the military history section?" with an expressionless face does not constitute a return "Hello."

-The section moved nearly three months ago. You're in the store ALL THE TIME. You know where the bloody section is.

-Don't act as though I was the one who personally moved the section just to spite you, because I didn't. Or did I? No, I didn't...  Or did I?

-Don't be offended that the section moved. After all, we are a bookstore, and not your personal living room.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for tipping me off that unicorns are the reincarnation of Christ.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please don't answer our phones and tell potential customers that certain sections of our store have burned down.

Dear Book Buyer:

This book is out of print, so I can't get it for you. Protesting/complaining "but I'm a good customer!" does not remedy the fact that the book is out of print. Don't pout and act as though the printing presses came to a grinding halt just to spite you. The reality of the situation is, this book is out of print.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I will not give you an analysis of that book's genre so that you can help your son with his Grade 7 book report.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I do not have change for your $10 bill. I am a book seller, not a banker.

Dear Book Buyer:

Travel guides for Atlanta? Yes. Travel guides for Atlantis? No.

Dear Book Buyer:

Well, first we classify the books according to subject. Then, within each subject, the books are arranged alphabetically according to the author's last name. So to answer your question, no, we do not shelve the books in numerical order according to the book's ISBN number.

Dear Book Buyer:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Anne Frank did not write her diary after she "got away."

Dear Book Buyer:

Talking at me and enumerating the many, many ways that Europe is better than North America is not really giving me any incentive to help you find a book on improving enunciation for opera arias.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you "don't understand" why the book you wanted is no longer in stock. So let's start putting the clues together... You say you checked for the book a week ago, and at that point, there was just one copy left in store. Now, a week later, that single copy has vanished.

I can tell you're at a loss, as this does feel like one of the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries. However, from all my years as a top-notch book sleuth, I have a wacky theory as to why that one single copy that was in store a week ago is no longer here: someone else bought it. I know, I'm SO Nancy Drew.