Dear Sourpuss:

A couple of things...

-When I say "Hello" to you, saying "What did you do with the military history section?" with an expressionless face does not constitute a return "Hello."

-The section moved nearly three months ago. You're in the store ALL THE TIME. You know where the bloody section is.

-Don't act as though I was the one who personally moved the section just to spite you, because I didn't. Or did I? No, I didn't...  Or did I?

-Don't be offended that the section moved. After all, we are a bookstore, and not your personal living room.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for tipping me off that unicorns are the reincarnation of Christ.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please don't answer our phones and tell potential customers that certain sections of our store have burned down.

Dear Book Buyer:

This book is out of print, so I can't get it for you. Protesting/complaining "but I'm a good customer!" does not remedy the fact that the book is out of print. Don't pout and act as though the printing presses came to a grinding halt just to spite you. The reality of the situation is, this book is out of print.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I will not give you an analysis of that book's genre so that you can help your son with his Grade 7 book report.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I do not have change for your $10 bill. I am a book seller, not a banker.

Dear Book Buyer:

Travel guides for Atlanta? Yes. Travel guides for Atlantis? No.

Dear Book Buyer:

Well, first we classify the books according to subject. Then, within each subject, the books are arranged alphabetically according to the author's last name. So to answer your question, no, we do not shelve the books in numerical order according to the book's ISBN number.

Dear Book Buyer:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Anne Frank did not write her diary after she "got away."

Dear Book Buyer:

Talking at me and enumerating the many, many ways that Europe is better than North America is not really giving me any incentive to help you find a book on improving enunciation for opera arias.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you "don't understand" why the book you wanted is no longer in stock. So let's start putting the clues together... You say you checked for the book a week ago, and at that point, there was just one copy left in store. Now, a week later, that single copy has vanished.

I can tell you're at a loss, as this does feel like one of the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries. However, from all my years as a top-notch book sleuth, I have a wacky theory as to why that one single copy that was in store a week ago is no longer here: someone else bought it. I know, I'm SO Nancy Drew.

Dear Book Buyer:

The next time you're looking for a book on shih tzus, I would have a much easier time helping you if:

A) you knew how to pronounce the name of the dog breed,

B) you didn't have the information written on a ratty piece of dirty paper,

C) you could actually write the word 'shih tzus' on the piece of paper, instead of scribbling some gibberish six-letter word that starts with an E and contains no other vowels,

D) you weren't drunk.

Dear Book Buyer:

Please trust me on this one, Maya Angelou did not write Anna Karenina.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we don't have a biography of Led Zeppelin, the person. Even though you swear your friend has one, Led Zeppelin is a band.

Dear Book Buyer:

Hunter S. Thompson does not have a book called "Image Not Found." Our database is just missing an image of the book cover.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for the suggestion, I'll send it on to parliament. However, I think the government has more important things to do than set up a law that requires the softcover edition of a book be printed in tandem with the hardcover.

Dear Book Buyer:

I like that you preface our $US/CAN book price debate with a "I know it's not your fault, but..."  However, you're still kinda acting as though I control the publishing industry, in addition to the economy. I can assure you, I do not control the economy.

Dear Book Buyer:

I don't care whether Brad Pitt is a cat or a snake, you're not getting a refund because you lost a thousand-dollar bet about Pitt's Chinese astrological sign and claim the horoscope book you bought from us is wrong.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thanks for letting me know that your aspiration in life is to grow up and be like Kim Kardashian. My brain hurts now.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for letting me know that the changes we made in the store are "bloody stupid." However, I don't usually take aesthetic advice from people whose lipstick looks like it was applied by Jackson Pollock.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you sir, for assuming that I'd know your wife wouldn't want a sports book because she's a woman. Yer a rrrreal charmer.

Dear Book Buyer:

I know what a laugh track is, but thanks for the condescending explanation. The answer is still no, we don't have a laugh track CD.

Dear Foot Fetishist:

You never buy any books. You just ogle lady-feet, get all sweaty and red-faced, while pretending to read whatever book is in reach. You do this multiple times a week, and you've been acting like an all-around sketchbag for years. Please, get a new fetish that doesn't require you to leave the comfort of your own home. Or at least get a hobby. Macramé perhaps? Friendship bracelets? Anything!

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry our nursing books are "too precise." I thought the medical establishment was pretty keen on precision.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes, I'll help you find the photography magazine you're looking for, but "it has a lot of pictures in it" isn't really helping to narrow things down.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I was not aware of the conspiracy about how the theory segment of the driver's test favours people with landed immigrant status, and fails citizens. May I please have the last ten minutes of my life back?

Dear Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd (Part 2)

Now that I've demonstrated that you can figure out a sci-fi/fantasy novel's sequence if it's part of a series by simply turning to the listing on the 2nd page of the book, I'm sorry that this flipping of two pages constitutes "too much work" for you. You're right, I'll get on that contacting-every-publisher-project you suggested. Much easier in the long run.  

Dear Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd (Part 1)

No, Mr. Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerd, I don't have the power to contact all of the different science fiction/fantasy publishers and convince them all to print the according tome/series on the cover of each book. 

Dear Book Buyer:

Sir, if you're so blasted that you have to lean against a display table in order to defecate and urinate in your pants, perhaps you should have called it an evening and gone home?

Dear book buyer:

The difference between a hardcover and a softcover is that one has a hard cover, and one has a... you guessed it, soft cover.

Dear Book Buyer:

Your painfully vague descriptions aren't helping me remember the book that you think was on the shelf about five years ago

Dear Book Buyer

Yes, I know who John Lennon is. Yes, I know what a bed-in for peace is. No, we're not going to install beds in the bookstore.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we do not have any 'how-to' art technique books on how to trace.

Dear Book Buyer:

No sir, we don't have any Murphy Brown episode guides. This is the 2nd time this week you've called. Nothing new about Murphy Brown. Nope. That's what the internet is for.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes sir, the Zombie Survival Guide is indeed kept in the Humour section, even though you clearly believe the zombie apocalypse is a very, very serious matter.

Dear Book Buyer:

I understand that there's an internet cafe in the bookstore, but that doesn't mean I'm a computer tech, or that I'm willing to introduce you to the world wide web. And no, I'm not sure how to verify if your e-mail, with the subject line "PISSED OFF," actually reached Oprah.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for letting me know that someone made a "pee-pee" beneath the men's urinal. We are, however, grown adults, and that means you don't need to use the term "pee-pee."

Dear Book Buyer:

I understand that the lock on the stall in the men's washroom is broken. However, it is not in my job description to lurk in the bathroom, standing guard while you take a shit.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, we do not have a book that explains if you'll need to wear a hospital gown when you visit the infectious disease specialist.

Dear Book Buyer:

Though astronomy and science fiction do share common themes, they are in fact two separate subjects.

Dear Book Buyer:

Yes, even if you're calling a local number, you still have to pay in order to make a call. It's a payphone.

Dear Book Buyer:

I'm sorry you're disappointed with our selection of essential oils. We are, however, a book store.

Dear Book Buyer:

Thank you for pointing out to me that the book title "Focus on Canada" makes you think "Fuck ass on Canada."

Dear Book Buyer:

No, Thesaurus is not a brand-name of dictionary. A thesaurus and a dictionary are two different things.

Dear Book Buyer:

It's a trilogy, not a triology.

Dear Book Buyer:

No, I do not think all of the new release pocket books were written by Artificial Intelligence.

Dear Book Buyer:

When I am helping you find a book, and Carole King happens to be playing on the sound system, please refrain from singing along in an off-key falsetto.